If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I've never read an article of clothing.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.