I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.