I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don't care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.