I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'