You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"