In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed