In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.