How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.