How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.