How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.