How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.