How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.