How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.