How to be a bouncer: be an asshole; stand near a door.

I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.