Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.
Demetri MartinI hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'
Demetri MartinWhen I'm buying car insurance I ask myself, 'Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?'
Demetri MartinTo make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
Demetri MartinYes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.
Demetri Martin