You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.