I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.