Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.