Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.