Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.