Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.