Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I wanna design a video game where you'd have to take care of all the people shot in all the other video games.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.