Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.