At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.