Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart's so funny... but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that's what makes life hopeful.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.