Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
The sofa is the enemy of productivity.
It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
If I think of a joke that's really dirty and I think it's funny I'll try it but what I've found over the years is they just don't laugh. It doesn't work coming out of my mouth so it's like they taught me 'don't do that. Don't go that way or you'll lose me.'