You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you're just alone.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.