The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.