The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.