It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.