A human head looks the least scary when it is attached.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, "Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good." Hopefully it balances out.

You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.