I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don't know why.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.