I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.