I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.