I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Love is, and I hope it never isn't.

Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there's something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.