Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy won a gold medal in the Olympics" "Oh yeah, that's cool, i wanna watch the fat guy" "Come on dude, you can take that hill"

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.