Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry. You have to also mean it. It's the same with saying I'm single.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.