You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.