I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.