I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.