I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

I would like a ship for the hips, please. Ships and hips. Hipsters to stir with their hips on the hip ships. And, of course, hips. Yeah, hip. That's me. I also like sips. I'm a slow drinker. A sipster. I'm a sipster hipster comedian. Yeah, sips. But more hips. Hip, hipster, hip star, hiptard. Definitely.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.

I got into stand up just to do stand up because I love stand up.