I never set out to do a sketch show.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.