When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.