When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I want to get the joke to work without having to put any words or to say anything. I just want the person to look at it, and quietly in their brain, they can just put it together and say, "Cool, that one works".

If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.'

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.