When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn't understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'