When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.