When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.