When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.