I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren't tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers.

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.