I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I equals all of the ifs added up over time. The ifs, those are the possibilities; that's infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that's finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide choices by the amount of time you have, the real I can emerge, depending upon those choices.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.