I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.