Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.