When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".