Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.