Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

I like birthdays. Every time someone is born, that's just like bringing more cake into the world.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.