I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.