I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

Vampire fad just won't die. Makes sense, I guess.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.