The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

You can say 'Thanks,' and you can say 'Thanks a Million' - but any number in between?

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.