When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.