Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.

I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.

I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room.

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, "Don, get up at a party and tell a joke," I'm the worst.

Yeah, I make fun of blacks, and why not? I'm not a black.

Showbiz is great if you're successful.

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.