Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high.

For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.

Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.