People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.