People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.