If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.