If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.