Dov Davidoff Quotes

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.