You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.