You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.