Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.