Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.