We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?