We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.