The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.