The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.