I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.