Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.