If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.