If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.