If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.