If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.