I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.