How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.