Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.