Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.